Quidditch Toned Muscles
by lunakatrina
Summary: This is a spoof, Harry is worried about finding someone who loves him for him and not his muscles or fame, Hermione's just trying to keep things logical, and Ron really wants to wake up. Rated M just in case, oneshot...


Okay, this is what happens when I read one too many things about Harry being ultra wonderful and having "Quidditch toned muscles" more like super calloused ass…but nonetheless, I got ticked off and thus this freak of nature was born…I find it very amusing, but slightly disturbing. No harm no foul right? It's also making fun of the het stories…sex is not kissing children, and bras come off, and it's making fun of…Ron and the people who say Virginia is Ginny's name…it makes fun of everyone…

I don't own Harry Potter, Mr. Universe, or Pokemon. I would also like to apologize to Dr. Phil and Oprah, I mean absolutely no harm. Also, the ripping clothes is a roundabout reference to Johnny Bravo…I think that's it.

ALSO! Props to my friend: timydamonkey for the "You're not Ginny! You're Parvati!" scene…as well as many, many other ideas.

**Quidditch Toned Muscles**

"Oh, yeah baby, I am so freakin' hot!"

Ron jerked awake and rolled over to look at his clock and disbelief settled in. It was four AM…and Harry…Harry was….

"Harry, what are you doing!"

Harry froze, and turned slowly away from the massive mirror he'd conjured up, his shirt still halfway pulled up. Ron was happy that he no longer could see the inches of muscular ass hanging out of his teeny tiny hot pants, but the view wasn't necessarily better or worse from the front…

"Hi Ron."

"This is a bad dream," Ron decided, and he moved to close his bed-hangings.

"No, Ron!" Harry exclaimed running over to Ron's bed to stop him, his shirt falling off of his completely ripped torso. "Look at my body! Isn't it hot?"

As Ron stared in absolute disbelief, the hot pants began tearing slightly, just from being on Harry's big, hot pelvic muscles.

"We are not having this conversation," Ron declared and slammed the hangings shut.

There was a sound of fabric ripping.

"But Ron," Harry called, "my body is hot isn't it?"

* * *

Now, Harry, as we all know, has been playing the wonderful sport of quidditch since he was but a young boy of 11. So, it was only a matter of time before doing so took its toll on his body.

At the age of 17 Harry was more muscular than Mr. Universe, and he was almost 8 feet tall…7 foot nine and three quarters to be exact.

As an uber-muscular guy, Harry found himself suffering from problems that most people never had to put up with…for example, articles of clothing constantly ripped and fell from his fantastic body. Also, women seemed to pass out on the floor before him, it was becoming problematic just to walk in a straight line.

But despite these problems, Harry was still a genius and made perfect scores on all his NEWTs, which was even more fantastic because as a seventh year, he had yet to actually take them.

Harry was lamenting to an overly irate Hermione and a freaked out Ron the next morning.

"Oh, guys," He whined, "I'm so love-starved! I know that I can be loved, but no one can see past my utterly amazing physique and fame!"

Harry shirt began tearing, showing off his large man-muscles and girls far and wide passed out. The hotness of Harry's body was so great that girls all the way in China felt red hot love-liquid stir in their lusty loins.

Hermione's eye twitched, and so did Harry's huge leg muscles, creating a tear in his tight leather chaps…Harry had discovered that with ass muscles so tight and powerful that they could not be contained by mere pants and it was best to leave his huge butt muscles hanging out for women to adore. However, after it was discovered by Professor McGonagall, purely by accident, that butt juices stained clothes he was required to wear ultra underwear (AKA hot pants)! That way his ass was only partly contained, and only half the women in the hallway would pass out in his wake.

"Oh, Hermione!" Harry yelled in remorse, "How will I ever have sex with someone who really, really wants me if nobody can see past my torn clothing and ultra sexy bed-hair!"

"Oh, Harry!" Ginny yelled from down the table, and Harry looked up his quiddtich muscles rippling like…powerful muscles, "I've loved you since before my mother's egg was fertilized!"

Harry felt tears spring up in his man-eyes and he knew it to be true, "Oh, Virginia, Ginevra, loveliest! I have loved you since I was but an old man in my past life."

Ginny was so struck by this declaration of love that she promptly dropped dead from happiness, and Harry conjured a mirror to adore his sexy body.

"Oh my god!" Ron yelled, "You killed Ginny!"

"But Ron," Harry whined, shaking his scantily clad ass in front of the mirror, "isn't my body hotter than your dead sister's corpse."

"He's gone mad," Ron mumbled in disbelief.

"No," Hermione replied, "I expect he's been cursed."

Harry's chaps fell from his thick muscular hips and girls hit the floor, Harry's hot pants began riding up his ass…

* * *

"You see Ron," Hermione explained, they were hiding deep in the depths of the library far from any mirror where Harry would never roam, "It's impossible. Harry was severely malnourished as a child so he could never get so tall; furthermore, Harry's a seeker. All he does is ride on a broomstick; he couldn't possibly have developed such muscles from Quidditch."

"My god!" Ron exclaimed, "You're right! I've been playing Quidditch much longer than Harry and I'm still normal!"

"Or you could look at it that way, I suppose," Hermione conceded.

"We have to find out what's going on!" Ron yelled, jumping to his feet, "it's the only way to save Harry!"

Hermione decided not to mention that Harry was probably better off in his ultra fit body than he would be in an average body…

"Right!"

* * *

Meanwhile, since Harry could not find Hermione or Ron anywhere he had gone to Dumbledore to alert him to some random danger in the school, when he ran into his lovely Virginia/Ginevra. She said shehad come back to life to consummate their ultra hot love that they had for each other…

And Harry believed it.

So they went up to the Room of Requirement because goodness knew sex required a bed…but they couldn't wait that long so they ended up having sex eight times on the way there. And she and Harry even got kinky once…once they had sex with tongue! But only for a second! The rest of the time their lips stayed closed.

They finally made it to the Room of Requirement and Harry was still ready to go, and Ginny was like a minx or a vixen…Harry loved when his women could do that. Animagi were so cool. Harry though could already transform into every single magical creature on the face of the universe, and he thought that this only proved that he and Ginny belonged together forever because they could both turn into hot animals…like minxes and vixens, or unicorns and dragons. Harry's favorite form though, was the extinct magical creature Mewtwo, and he was only able to turn into such a wonderful creature because he was the heir of all four founders, plus Dumbledore, and Merlin (talk about an orgy).

They started having sex again, when one of the professors behind the coat rack in front of one of the many mirrors suggested they take off their clothes. Harry wasn't sure why they should do that, but he figured it wouldn't cause any harm so he began to undress Ginny and admired her amazing polka dotted lacy breasts. Clearly he and Ginny would have many ultra hot, multi-colored children…but then something grabbed Harry's attention…no, no…

"NOOOO! HOLY SHIT, YOU'RE NOT GINEVRA!" Harry yelled in horror. He couldn't believe someone would impersonate his dead love, "PARVATI! I KNOW IT'S YOU! YOU HAVE A MOLE—RIGHT THERE! How could I have been so BLIND?" Harry wept.

Parvati looked indignant for a minute, and then said, "But, Harry... you're so freakin' hot!"

Harry's dam of tears suddenly stopped as he sniffed and went, "You... you think so?" as he examined the Room of the Requirement which was suspiciously like a giant hall of mirrors, only without the distorted body image. He stood up and flexed his amazing man-muscles and Professor Spout fell out behind the coat rack.

"Yeah, totally Harry," Parvati said jumping up to rub all over Harry's chest, which was now bared because his shirt had dissolved off his utterly hot, nasty, dirty body. "I've loved you for forever!"

Harry looked down into Parvati's eyes and felt man-love well up…Harry looked down and so did Parvati.

"What is it?" Parvati asked in wonderment of the large man-dignity poking out of his tattered chaps and hot pants.

"I don't know," Harry said slowly in wonder, it was strange that he'd seen his body every morning and hadn't noticed such an appendage.

"Touch it!" The professors urged.

Harry wasn't sure what it would do, and decided it would be best to get Parvati to touch it.

"I'm not gonna touch it," she told him, "You touch it."

"No," Harry replied, "you touch it."

"No, you!"

"I'm not gonna touch it!"

The door to the Room of Requirement was thrown open, and there stood Ron and Hermione.

"It's called a penis," Hermione yelled, "and the average size is six inches, not twenty four! It will never fit inside a woman or man if it's that big!"

Ron looked shaken, at the scene of a nearly naked Harry before him, but he decided to agree, "Yeah!"

"Furthermore Harry," Hermione yelled, "I have Doctor Phil with me, and he will tell you that it is entirely impossible for you to be so tall and so muscular!"

"But," Harry looked between Hermione, Ron and Dr. Phil in confusion, "I play Quidditch!"

"Well," Doctor Phil said, "some muscles could be passed off to Quidditch if you were a beater, chaser, or keeper. However, you are a seeker, and all you do is sit on a broomstick, so really the only muscles you should have form Quidditch are really hard calloused hands and butt cheeks. That's it."

"Doctor Phil is right Harry!" Hermione yelled, "He works with Oprah!"

Harry simply had no choice but to face the facts.

And thus his muscles dissolved back into his body and he shrank down to a somewhat small height of 5'5" and his hot pants began falling from his now average body because he simply didn't have the ass to hold them up.

Hermione walked over to him and took of her robe and draped it over his shoulders.

"There, there Harry," Hermione said, patting Harry's back, "now come with me and we'll get you some clothes that aren't chaps."

* * *

Yeah, that's it…whoo… 


End file.
